You are embarrassment.

In their highs and lows, I have never questioned your children, but you had the need to question mine.  You made my house to house them when you have your own and didn't  even bother asking me if it's okay, again I didn't question you! Cleaning the septic tank is not cheap and both of your kids plus your grand kid lived there for 2 years and still do and I did not ask you for rent.

It must have hurts your ego so bad knowing I am better than you! I don't blame you to be jealous.

I have taken my siblings to heart to seriously help them out to better themselves.  You have no idea how it feels like to be in a strange country and solely trusted the strange person that took your hand in marriage that promised to love you, trust you, treat you just the way he wants to be treated and to find out from people in town that he bragged about calling the immigration to find out how can he return you back to where he pulled you out from just because things didn't work out his way. You have no idea how it feels like to be so alone in strange country with your precious child not knowing where you stand. You have no idea how it feels like to survive with no identity in strange country and try to make one and no family to run for help.

Our beloved mother, I'm simply trying my best to give her shelter, food and what she needs in life so she can have a descent living when no one is willing  and yet even to this very moment I don't get the love and support she gives to you.

You have demoralized me in so many ways as your maid but to think that you are my big sister that supposedly a role model for what our mother preached all the time, I choose  to looked the other way and pretend I am a rock. Some things just won't go away from my heart, like you calling me a "puta  kaw" just because things didn't turn out your way. But I helped you out anyway.

I have been through hell and back and to hear our mother telling me not to come home just hide somewhere when I was going through divorce, I gave her food, shelter, pay her hospital bills, and do pretty much all the obligation to her kids, but I let her come and see America in return anyway.

I have sacrificed  for so many years and not question you for when should YOU return my retirement money I took out 20 years ago, just so you can be a Principal. I worked for you as your maid when you had Leah, for exchange me going to college at night. You had no idea how it feels like being belittled by your big sister in front of public, yet I continue to care  for you.

 It disturbed me tremendously that you had the need to question my daughter whom I could have given MY MONEY to, not that she would want to because she has herself worth, when you were thankful and even wrote some gratitude note on your thesis book. She's a hard working kid and very proud to make her own living since she's 18 yrs old.  I am very proud of her for not asking any help from me or anyone, because she has herself worth.  I have not heard her complain how difficult to be out there on her own, but she managed to make herself proud and I'm very proud of that. To see my kid shown great self worth is priceless. I bet you can't say that to me about your kids.

I am tired of being bully by you. I have been so quite and mind my own business.  Because you heard that MY family is coming not to attend our mother's birthday but to attend Joana's graduation made your jealous blood boiled that you had to tell Geraldine you wish your children can come to United States just like Irene, so they can better themselves, and that made me want to work even harder so Joana can get here sooner.

I'm tired of being used by you. Never will I consider thinking hiding in bedroom and ate food quietly so people in the house won't hear me with my kids eating. And those people that were in the house are my siblings and only mother. You didn't have to think twice of doing just that. You must have no shame for giving your left overs to neneng, and said, " oh look, that's all that was left". She's not dumb but she's ashamed of your doing. You are pathetic!

Except you, we were trained by our parents to:

• Clean your slippers so it's ready for you when you come home from school.
• Cook and serve you with hot food.
• Give you the best part of chicken when serving food, meanwhile as a cook in the family, I'd be so glad if I even get a feet or wing.
• We had to fetch buckets of water to flush the outdoor toilet, so you don't have to.

These are only few out of many things I remember of how you were treated so nicely than me, but I  managed to take my saving out to help you in getting show money so you can attend a conference in other country, again from that 100,000.00 pesos, I never seen a dime back! 

I guess, I must remind myself that you treat people differently than yourself. I remember someone lived with us so she can go to school in exchange for helping around the house and what stuck in my head is that, you treated that person as a maid and that she's not allowed to eat with you at the table. I made sure I ate with her, do chores with her so she can feel part of the family, not maid.

I heard from the great vine  that it hurts you're feelings so badly when you read  how articulately Geraldine wrote you of something you were asking for! You never asked her how she's doing since we left Philippines. You didn't show concern of her being. Instead you attacked her.  You are pathetic!. You even asked her to bring you gifts! For whatever reason you think that she should bring you any of such, blown my mind.  

Kuya, we are trying

Kuya, I'm sure you'll be happy that we all have decided to grant you last wish, be resting next to Berto.

It's been tough for all of us to come to one circle and talk about what we need to do in order to grant your wish. Everyone has their own opinion and went for it without discussion with the whole family.

I was finally able to come to my senses that this will be our last service to you as our big brother. Ate and I decided to split the cost for the digging part. I decided to talked to ate first if she would agree. I was relieved when she called me back to tell me that she will. And then I called neneng to figure out how and when I can talk to manay. At the end of the day, I was able to talked to manay and she agreed to wish your grant and she's happy about my effort.

I could've decided this at first if I was included in making decission by Jenelyn. I gave her a bit of my part of frustration. She is one fiesty kid of yours. She wasted her money on some place that you didn't want to be at. So I told her that I will find money to grant your wish. I asked her if she would find money to contribute 18,700 that we need and she said "i don't have money anymore". I am not sure if how much her parents-in-law gave her. I know they did but Jenelyn didn't inform/mention it us to us at all. It's a shame that she showed not  respect to manay, neneng and all. I told her she should've double confirm with us of whatever she heard and whatever she decided and to make sure we all agreed.

But, in any event , we are trying our best to give you what you wanted. We will make you happy, don't you worry. I hope you tell "dong" that we said hi and to tatay too. Don't be partying too much over there..hehe

Herb sent half of 18,700pesos as our part. Ate supposedly to send hers at the end of this afternoon via Western Union. And to add some more happiness, I was able to talked to manay Aurora and she said she will text me this afternoon after she sends her donations via Western Union also. And I really hope she will come thru. As you know it's difficult to find money.

It's a kao's at neneng's house as you may know. All of your kids are there plus their kids. But happy to see that there are quite a bit of people coming around at night to give you and us company.

I might have to say that there will be no way that Daday will be around before you go. I tried my best to covinced Neneng to find her but I got too imotional with her and Inay knew how I felt about her being with you when you go. At least I and Ate are in our best behaviour and won't trow tantrum.

I hope to God she is also alright. I really do. Me and Ate will certainly missed the day but you know we are too far away. I wish we have lots of money..

bye for now kuya.

RANTING

My time is so consumed of what matters to me. The list will be too long if I were to start writing them down.

For one thing I am so bothered right now and this is because of who I have become. It's difficult for me just to turn my head and look the other way. I have brothers and sisters and mother.

A ripple of how we are brought up comes to who we became. I am a mother now and have been a good samaritan to my mom, brothers and sisters. extensively helping them financially.

I am not responsible for my brother's well being since he has wife and kids and his kids having kids. But like I said, I am not responsible but he and his wife and their kids with the grandchildren, all living in my house. 

I bought that house so mother can have shelter instead of living in a box. 

Kuya, I am very sorry.K

At 6 am every morning is when we get up to get matt ready for school and aslo for Herb to get ready for gym. Quite early but that's how goes. Being responsible is to learn at young age and no matter how early it is, matt gets up to get ready for school.

And yesterday, Wednesday, jan 16 that early morning, I did what i always do, get to kitchen and look at my phone to see if any emails from neneng. I got a miss call from Din-din at 5:30 am and left me message. I hurriedly checked my voicemail and found out she has read on Facebook that Jenelyn had posted on her page that you have passed away. 

I called her right back and confirmed, you have passed away. She told me that she will call me on her lunch break to get some news and she did. She's very comforting kid and I'm so proud of her.

After I made coffee, Herb hugged me tight and felt the love and compassion from him.  I cried on his shirt and he cried on my shoulder. It has reminded him about his mom. And he uttered, "I'm sorry" and I cried even more. After a bit, I tried to called Neneng many times and finally I was able to get her on the phone. 

She's confirmed that you've succumed to life. She's happy that she's with you that last moment  with our sister Manay and your son Jun-Jun. I am sorry but I think you are in a better place now and for sure way better than us here right now. 

I knew it would be our last time all together as living siblings when I saw you in November. God knows how much I want to help out in my heart in my actions. I hope you are not mad at me. At least to know that you were able to lived in my house until the end made me not so guilty.

The few days I had with you at Neneng's house were the most remembered. I bragged about how good I am in fixing little things around the house to you and one thing that morning was putting a door lock on Inay's room. You really had a good laugh at my performance. You came over where i had put the lock on and you felt it and then you said "beng the person that will want to get in can still unscrew the lock you put on..hahaha.. I laughed with you of my work. So you specifically walked me through it and you were so proud of me that I was able to do it..I will never forget that. 

Other thing that I hope Boyax remember for the rest of his life is that when you taught him and his son how to conncet lights and that. It was something that I will remember all the time. Even though you couldn't see but you use you hands to feel tools and what you were trying to do to show us and boyax how to do things and for that I am so proud to be able to have in my heart and mind.

It's Thursday night there in neneng's house. I was on the phone with her for hours. She's glad to have someone to talk to and somewhat gave her company. I heard few taxi drivers came by and hang around for the whole night with you. Inay is happy to see the 3 tables were full of people and friends played cards amongst themselves to pass time.

I am sorry and hope you are having a great time with Tatay, Berto, and many others who joined The Almighty God.

Peace..

PS. I thank God for Irene. Without her sending me over there,(to fetch her mother) I would not have that opportunity to be united with all. It's a shame in my part I didn't stick around until the papers get straightened out and I am very ashamed of that. 

feelings to share

Not sure if this where I need to rant myself to the whole world. But I need to and will so here goes.

Today is Monday but it's already Tuesday evening in the Philippines. So hurtful to say but my brother is mad and mad to hell. He wants the contraption in his neck to be removed. Though this was told to me by my sister which I will be talking to via chat this afternoon on facebook.

His daughter Jenelyn took him to the specialist on Dec. 3rd for his kidney problem. Jenelyn took him to doctor so she won't feel guilty for not doing anything to help her father.

We know from 2 doctors already that he has kidney failure and that if he goes to the hospital they will start the dialysis process. According to our big sister whom I spoke to on Dec 5, that she discussed this findings with his daughter, Jenelyn whom came to see him because we urgently and pushed her to come.

Nonetheless, she showed up. But she's given her father FALSE hope and I really don't know. This is all my thoughts getting out of my head.

It's not that we don't want anyone to live, but who is going to shoulder the MONEY and the care taking part. Money is on me and the hard work will be on my sister, Neneng.

I told my sisters, I can not afford to shoulder all this expenses. So therefore, I want to be out of the list. I have no free money to gather. My husband is the soul provider and he can't help more than what his given already.

So, I will find out this afternoon how much bills Jenelyn left for us.

He needs , my brother, to go back to the doctor to get the dialysis started and if he has standing bills he can't get back in there unless he has the money.

If his daughter left him that way and is not sending money, I will be screaming fiercely on facebook. I will be on her face!!

I am so upset.

bye for now. it's 8:40 am ..

Friday, Dec. 07, 2012 A very Foggy Day.

Very foggy wherever I look this morning.

For reals, woke up this morning cold. Turn on the heat before I made coffee. And plus we woke up late then we hurried to get things on and be out of the house by 6:45 am to catch the bus.

Difficult to see 5 meters away but my student got to cross the street without problem. There's one car that stopped for him so he can cross the street.

Also foggy to see what's happening with my family home. No one has said anything about my brother who's in the hospital with kidney failure.

With myself also the report is very foggy. I'll just leave it that way. I am dealing with so much issues in every corner of real life settings. Family, friends and what not. But still have to go on.

I have been talking to my sister who's a caretaker of the whole entire family and it's sad every single time we talk. We cried and cried and ends up nothing.

For Jenelyn

Dear Lyn,

I know you are dealing with personal issues but thought I'd give you this very important note: I know you are not asking my advise but I'll give it anyway cause I hate to hear you say that ''no one informs me!'' It's terrible that I have to be the one telling you this instead of you telling me since you are closer to him geography wise. And I am not his daughter. You really need to put yourself aside this time.

I know you are very busy but I'm hoping you prioritize to find time and mend your fathers broken heart very soon before it's too late for you as his daughter. I saw how bad his situation and I want you to know that.

 I am thankful to your Ate Irene for giving me an opportunity (she paid my ticket) to be with your Lola Gloria and my siblings. Even though it's heartbreaking situation still am proud I got the chance to cry with your father and hugged him tightly. I must say his lectures are harsh but I was able to make him feel I love him. I was going to show him but he is 99% blind. I do not know if you know the facts, his health.

As I told you on the phone to try listening to him for once.  He just wanted to be heard. He is very agitated because he can't see and he doesn't know what is happening in his body. I hope you put yourself aside and just listen to whatever he says to you. He doesn't feel loved by his kids.

I know you have an instant update from your little brother Jun-Jun of how they are doing. But I am not sure if he has an idea what and how it feels to be blind. I believed non of us knows what it feels to be blind.

It is not your auntie Nenengs obligation to take care of your father but she understand his situation. Your auntie Neneng is there whenever someone is in need. She deserves nothing but RESPECT from all of us.

I practice my obligations to my mother and the whole entire family. I am not asking to pay me back but only respect and be a good citizen. Treat every one the way you want to be treated.

I am expecting you write me back about this message. Write me back wherever you want to write. it be on Facebook or reply to this page, I'm cool.

Don't be afraid to write however you feel towards your father and what i have here. I am looking forward to hearing from you. Free to call me. You got my cell phone number and there is no reason I won't get your call this time. You left me a message on it but it was on Off mode since I couldn't use it in Davao.

Take a train or bus to see your father. Spend a long weekend with him. That is my precious advise to you.

We do not look for something that is there. We look for something when it's not there or say it's gone for good. You won't hear your father's lectures when he is gone. I'm sure you won't missed it but thought I'd mention it.

Love lots,
auntie Fe.