feelings to share

Not sure if this where I need to rant myself to the whole world. But I need to and will so here goes.

Today is Monday but it's already Tuesday evening in the Philippines. So hurtful to say but my brother is mad and mad to hell. He wants the contraption in his neck to be removed. Though this was told to me by my sister which I will be talking to via chat this afternoon on facebook.

His daughter Jenelyn took him to the specialist on Dec. 3rd for his kidney problem. Jenelyn took him to doctor so she won't feel guilty for not doing anything to help her father.

We know from 2 doctors already that he has kidney failure and that if he goes to the hospital they will start the dialysis process. According to our big sister whom I spoke to on Dec 5, that she discussed this findings with his daughter, Jenelyn whom came to see him because we urgently and pushed her to come.

Nonetheless, she showed up. But she's given her father FALSE hope and I really don't know. This is all my thoughts getting out of my head.

It's not that we don't want anyone to live, but who is going to shoulder the MONEY and the care taking part. Money is on me and the hard work will be on my sister, Neneng.

I told my sisters, I can not afford to shoulder all this expenses. So therefore, I want to be out of the list. I have no free money to gather. My husband is the soul provider and he can't help more than what his given already.

So, I will find out this afternoon how much bills Jenelyn left for us.

He needs , my brother, to go back to the doctor to get the dialysis started and if he has standing bills he can't get back in there unless he has the money.

If his daughter left him that way and is not sending money, I will be screaming fiercely on facebook. I will be on her face!!

I am so upset.

bye for now. it's 8:40 am ..

Friday, Dec. 07, 2012 A very Foggy Day.

Very foggy wherever I look this morning.

For reals, woke up this morning cold. Turn on the heat before I made coffee. And plus we woke up late then we hurried to get things on and be out of the house by 6:45 am to catch the bus.

Difficult to see 5 meters away but my student got to cross the street without problem. There's one car that stopped for him so he can cross the street.

Also foggy to see what's happening with my family home. No one has said anything about my brother who's in the hospital with kidney failure.

With myself also the report is very foggy. I'll just leave it that way. I am dealing with so much issues in every corner of real life settings. Family, friends and what not. But still have to go on.

I have been talking to my sister who's a caretaker of the whole entire family and it's sad every single time we talk. We cried and cried and ends up nothing.

For Jenelyn

Dear Lyn,

I know you are dealing with personal issues but thought I'd give you this very important note: I know you are not asking my advise but I'll give it anyway cause I hate to hear you say that ''no one informs me!'' It's terrible that I have to be the one telling you this instead of you telling me since you are closer to him geography wise. And I am not his daughter. You really need to put yourself aside this time.

I know you are very busy but I'm hoping you prioritize to find time and mend your fathers broken heart very soon before it's too late for you as his daughter. I saw how bad his situation and I want you to know that.

 I am thankful to your Ate Irene for giving me an opportunity (she paid my ticket) to be with your Lola Gloria and my siblings. Even though it's heartbreaking situation still am proud I got the chance to cry with your father and hugged him tightly. I must say his lectures are harsh but I was able to make him feel I love him. I was going to show him but he is 99% blind. I do not know if you know the facts, his health.

As I told you on the phone to try listening to him for once.  He just wanted to be heard. He is very agitated because he can't see and he doesn't know what is happening in his body. I hope you put yourself aside and just listen to whatever he says to you. He doesn't feel loved by his kids.

I know you have an instant update from your little brother Jun-Jun of how they are doing. But I am not sure if he has an idea what and how it feels to be blind. I believed non of us knows what it feels to be blind.

It is not your auntie Nenengs obligation to take care of your father but she understand his situation. Your auntie Neneng is there whenever someone is in need. She deserves nothing but RESPECT from all of us.

I practice my obligations to my mother and the whole entire family. I am not asking to pay me back but only respect and be a good citizen. Treat every one the way you want to be treated.

I am expecting you write me back about this message. Write me back wherever you want to write. it be on Facebook or reply to this page, I'm cool.

Don't be afraid to write however you feel towards your father and what i have here. I am looking forward to hearing from you. Free to call me. You got my cell phone number and there is no reason I won't get your call this time. You left me a message on it but it was on Off mode since I couldn't use it in Davao.

Take a train or bus to see your father. Spend a long weekend with him. That is my precious advise to you.

We do not look for something that is there. We look for something when it's not there or say it's gone for good. You won't hear your father's lectures when he is gone. I'm sure you won't missed it but thought I'd mention it.

Love lots,
auntie Fe.